When I get overwhelmed, hurt, or just too burnt out, I become this odd combination of angry (then I lash out, my patience is nonexistent, and I am just short) squirrely (similar to a child that missed their afternoon nap) shut off (my heart gets one more brick added to its walls), and touchy (I just don't want to let go, as though a hug will fix me). This has always been a strange thing for my family and those who are close to me to experience. I don't know why it's just my method of overcompensating and hiding my hurt (heart).
Unfortunately for myself, I usually don't have the slightest idea of the who/what/when and wheres of how I got hurt. This is obviously a problem and one that the Lord has been slowly helping me work on. I have begun to slowly open my heart to people I normally wouldn't, I have begun to become self aware (of my heart). I think through the process of "the break up" one of the many areas the Lord started to work on in my life were my walls. I am more willing to cry now which is a huge deal - I started to cry at breakfast the other day for no reason (and it was not 'that time of month')! Huge step for the "man-girl" Alexis Huff!
I am feeling a bit as though I am drowning lately. I am struggling more than I will let on. I am hesitant to even write this because I know it will be read and I will have questions to answer to. Tonight was Bible study. I normally love going, connecting with my girl friends and being able to hear the wisdom of Kathy Mason and my other wise friends! Today I wanted nothing more than to find the very good excuse that I have hiding just below the surface and just stop showing up. I want to pull away. Not because of relationships, but because I know the truth hurts, and the truth is what I want to hide from. My heart feels raw and weak, like I can't stop the bleeding. I realize I sound a bit depressed and morbid I really am okay, I just seem to have a broken heart. again.
The worst part is I am not exactly sure what is going on. Maybe it's watching my mom go through the motions of realizing her husband doesn't want her or his family. Maybe it's listening to my dad tell me his family isn't worth the effort, I am not worth the effort, to fix his marriage. Maybe it's hearing my pastor call my dad "a liar, a crook, and a conn-man." Maybe it's finding out I will never see him again because he moved away. Maybe I feel stupid for everything with him. Maybe it's watching my older sister be in love with a guy that doesn't see her for the amazing person she is. Feeling the fear/excitement of realizing my little sister is grown up and saying the "3 little words." Watching my brother enter High School and wondering what kind of man he will turn out to be. Maybe it all boils down to I miss my family, not the people, the unit. The 6 of us.
Welcome to my last 4 months - no wonder I'm venting to a computer screen and crying at random breakfasts!
The Lord is my "All Sufficient One" (El Shaddai). This is my lifeline - This is my comfort - This is my Jesus. The Lord knows my mess of a heart, He knows my every attempt to hide/stuff/ or run from my heart...
Jesus I "lift my heart and lift my soul, you shine upon my face - cause you are all that I want and all that I will be, you are the life within my bones and the truth that lets me see- there is no greater hope than the hope within my soul that you have come to rescue me and take me where I belong."*
* song by Brian Phelps
Hi, I just found your blog via some other blogs...I think Kelly's Corner...anyway...I just read this post and you have pretty well described a lot of what I am feeling...I was feeling pretty lonely today and wondering if the Lord knew and cared, then I read this post by you and it really helped just for knowing someone else feels the same way....I will be praying for you, thanks for writing, your blog is really insightful & a blessing!
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