What's so hard about hope?

Why is it hard to have hope? Why is it hard to understand hope? And why is it that so often we are hopeless? We have hope in Christ, yes, but how do we put that in action? To live our lives with hope, to see the hope in others... to find the hope in ourselves.

I am at this point where "it's all me." Meaning, I am not dating, (not even close to dating anyone), I am graduating in May, and I am looking around at where I want to go/be/do. This is really a hard thing for me to focus on. It is hard for me to think about this because I rather enjoy thinking and planing my life on and around other people. It is easier. It is so much easier! Sitting here and trying to think, what do I want? What do I need? Where do I want to go? What do I want to be? With no one to help me.. there is no WE it is just ME. The truth is I hate this. A bit over a a year ago there was a "we" (it was a very unhealthy "we") - it really was just "he" but still "we" is easier than "me," even if it was just "he." I had no idea this would ever be an issue! I didn't account in my plan for ME. I didn't account for alone...

Why is hope so hard... Because I can't see beyond today. I imagine my conversations with God looking a bit like this lately and there are no words to describe the feelings I have about it...

me: Lord where do you want me?

GOD: where do you want to go?

me: Where you want me...

GOD: I trust you, so what do you want?

me: can't you just tell me and make the decision for me!?

GOD: nope

me: (at my wits end) fine! (said a bit like a little girl who just got punished)

THE END -

I feel like I'm having this conversation daily.

Last year I was learning how to see my self as worthy, as valuable, as an object that is of importance to Christ. A lesson that is so hard for me to comprehend. A lesson that I will no doubt be learning over and over again. Now is another opportunity for me to put that lesson into action.

What is my hope? I know I will have the Lord with me, I know he is forming a plan so wonderful and yet so unseen. I have hope that I will learn and grow and be challenged. I have hope that He is walking with me. Although it is hard for me to to live for just "me" I am learning how to see that I am important, that my wants are what He wants, and that I am His beloved.