Last week consisted of 5 tests, a flat tire (in my rental car none-the-less) and running out of gas (also in my rental car!). This week brought the returning of grades of the previous 5 tests, realizing I might not pass BioChem because I got a 33/75 on my first test (by far the worst F I have ever received on a test), balancing my check book and again noticing I really need better jobs, and need to work less. Having the hard truth set in a bit more when it comes to my dad and how he chooses to live his life, and just how far he has come from the dad I remember protecting me as a little girl. The winner of all this came in a nice shinny silver package on my wrists ..... I GOT ARRESTED.
I speed... a lot... I need to slow down. I was driving to work at 4 am and I got pulled over for speeding (80 in a 65). Which already sent me over the edge just the thought of ANOTHER TICKET in a month (I got a ticket for my car accident 3 weeks ago). I was just crying and praying to the Lord for mercy and just crying all the tears I have been holding back since I got in the wreck, and all of the above "issues" I've experienced recently. Friendly Officer Auer returns and tells me to get out of the car - I do - and I end up in the holding cell at the 4th Ave jail. Three years ago there was a JYNORMOUS misunderstanding between me, the MVD and the courts, which lead me to get arrested and ticketed for everything in the world. My wonderful mom and I spent about 700 dollars, at least 2 weeks and lots and lots of frustrating conversations to get this situation figured out. It was, and even came with an apology from the judge as well as lots of signatures, seals and stamps saying my warrant was recalled and my name was in the clear. apparently not.... Mr Auer seemed to be under the impression that I still had the above mentioned warrant out for my arrest and thus "took me in!" - well I have to call the courts tomorrow and set up a court date to again figure this out - not to mention I have a court date on Thursday for my accident ticket and also now have a speeding ticket....
I have been just praying and asking the Lord to reveal what it is He wants me to learn! what is the point of all of this? What is it I am just not getting? Was this really the only way to teach be the unknown lesson? WHY? Lord I really am fed up - annoyed and simply just mad! I feel like I have already had enough "go wrong" this past few years, and at least the past few weeks! Today as I was running the "Race for the Cure" The Lord gave me this verse -
"All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness."
AHH that is the worst verse to be given! NO I refuse! This is not my verse! haha these were the words I have been screaming since then! I just got home from my day and read all of Hebrews 12, Peace, Tears, Frustration, and Understanding flooded over me. The words are undeniable. The Father choose me. He Loves me. I am His daughter, the one He wants to see strengthened, not brought down, not abandoned, but HEALED.
How incredible is my Father? How painful have these weeks been? Who is bigger?
How do I handle these circumstances? How do I just "take it"? How do I have faith? How come I feel so loved? How do I have grace?
WHY AM I SO DESERVING OF THIS LOVE? I am not... that is the beauty of MY GOD, MY FATHER.
....two years ago I tattooed the words FAITH behind my ear.... If only I knew then just how deeply I would grow to understand that word....
"You know my inner most being, Even better than I know, than I know myself What a beautiful God, What a beautiful God And what am I, that I might be called Your child What am I, what am I That You might know me, my King What am I, what am I, what am I"
Shawn McDonald "Beautiful"
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