welcome to me!

Well this is my official first blog entry! I feel a bit odd about starting a blog, 

but I figure I journal quite frequently, so why not, "everyone's doing it!"  

Writing is most definitely my release and they way I am able to make sense 

of life so I think it will be fun to share my thoughts. It will also be a good 

way to help me become a bit less introverted, and a bit more expressive. 

The things I have been mulling around in my head lately are probably going 

to be my life long battles. Considering I've spent most of my days trying to 

overcome these problems! One of the problems being forgiveness, what does

real forgiveness look like in my heart? I know forgiveness doesn't mean 

reconciliation, but it seems like the world is telling me that it's the same thing. 

"Well if you say you've forgiven them then why aren't you talking to them? 

Or why aren't you friends." I feel most of us who try to search for what Christ 

wants of us have come up against this argument at one point or another. 

I feel the Bible is clear on the difference but maybe I am the only one who 

sees this. 

I'm relating this forgiveness to 2 particular people, both have hurt me quite

badly and to pursue a "reconciled" relationship with either at this point would 

also end up badly. I am learning the depths of forgiveness. I think as a child 

it is simple. Your mom tells you to ask your sister for forgiveness, and then 

she tells your sister to forgive you. The two of you move on and within 15 min 

you're playing happily again. Now that the pain is real, and the damage is 

permanent no one wants to be okay with just saying good bye.

I think it is necessary to allow one another to be hurt, to encourage them 

to seek the Lord, to forgive whom ever the offender is, and then choose to 

NOT be friends. I think too often (especially as a Christian woman) the 

pressure is on to smooth it all out, to put that smile on, and be friends with 

everyone in our lives that have ever asked our forgiveness. This to me is a lie. 

It is the lie of performance. It is having a "friend" who really isn't a friend all 

for the sake of not wanting to just say no. No I can't be your friend, I love 

you and I forgive you, but to be your friend would be unwise. Why is this 

soo hard?! I really struggle with this, I feel guilty. My guilt is a tool satan uses

to steer me from truth.

I've learned this from my mom. She is always encouraging me to face the 

hurt, to honestly go to the Lord and learn how to forgive. She is a wise woman. 

She isn't afraid of the truth, even if the truth is, "this person was my greatest 

friend, I honestly forgive them, but the hurt is too deep, I love them and 

always will want the best for them, but for me to be healed, and for me to 

be able to grow I need to let go." 

The Lord doesn't always want us to be reconciled. The Bible commands us to 

forgive.